Let the Appointments Begin

On Thursday, September 18 I had my first OB appointment (at 8 weeks pregnant).  It was definitely surreal and my stomach was in knots.  For some reason, the doctors office scheduled me for two appointments back to back.  The first was my meeting with the OB nurse, the second was my first OB physical.  This is important because the entire time I was there each person I saw questioned why I had two appointments in one day.  My response always went something like this, "Um....I don't know?! That's what the nurse on the phone did!"

I met with the OB nurse who gave me this bright pink bag that screams "I'm pregnant"!!!!  And for someone who isn't quite comfortable with that idea yet, the bag may have been a little much.  Then, I had my physical with Dr. Tinga who is crazy tall....6'8" to be exact.  All of his exams tables are lifted, and all of his doorways are custom height.

Funny story.  Maybe TMI, but you can decide.

So, you know how when you've been in a profession for a while you may forget to tell someone something because you assume it to be common knowledge.  Well the OB nurse that I first met with was older and slightly cantankerous.  As I was leaving, she handed me a urine sample cup and a wipe and told me to go pee in the cup.  No further instructions needed, right? So, I went into the bathroom and peed in the cup.  Thinking I must be Intellectually Gifted in my cup-peeing skills, I thought, "well, I didn't even need this wipe thingy because I got absolutely no pee on my cup."  Walking out head held a little higher, I passed my cup off to the lab lady.  Fast forward about 15 minutes to when they ran my urine sample and saw that I was "spilling over white blood cells".  Dr. Tinga and his nurse were in there when the report came in and he asked if I had been having any UTI like symptoms.  Nope, none!  Then the nurse chimed in, "Maybe you just didn't wipe well enough before peeing in the cup."  HAHA!!  I almost died laughing but instead held it together and said, "Yeah, I bet that's exactly what happened." WHOOPS-- so that is what the wipe was for!!

So the rest of the appointment can be summed up in- couldn't hear the heartbeat, talked to Dr. Tinga in his office, and headed on out.  And just like that I had survived my very first OB appointment :-)

If I Ever Needed Grace It's Now

After talking to a dear friend (Cheryl) last night, she suggested that I listen to the song If I Ever Needed Grace. How had I never heard this song when I absolutely love Jimmy Needham?  This morning, Jacob left bright and early for a meeting which left me home alone and free to be loud and rambunctious :-)  So, I Googled the song and listened to it.... at least 4 times.  And I cried.  Surprise! It seems like that's all I do anymore!

Let me just tell you, that this song tapped into exactly how I have been feeling.  And God threw me a curve ball right at the end.  The lyrics say:
Nine short months till she arrived
Little hands and lions eyes
And I'm so scared I don't have what it takes
But I hear your voice Sunday morning
Father give me eyes to see
All I need's the power of your name

If I ever needed grace it's now
You are strong when I am week somehow
I am weak enough to see
I need you to cover me
If I ever needed grace, it's now.

I'm so thankful that God continues to give me signs and speak through my beautiful friends.

Jacob's Family

Telling Jacob's family ranks at the top of my list in happy days of my life as well.  We decided, spur of the moment, to head up to Greenville to watch the ECU vs. VT game in the Murphy Center.  We arrived at Jacob's house, expecting his Dad to be rearing and ready to go, but he still needed to take a shower.  So, of course, I sat and anxiously waited until we could discreetly get both of his parents in the same place at the same time!  Finally, right before we left I showed them a onesie that I had made for our unbelievably adorable niece, Ava Kate.  

After ooing and gooing over the onesie, Mrs. Lydia finally decided to read it and then almost dropped her teeth!  She said out loud, "Big Cousin" and then immediately processed what was going on.  In the meantime, poor Mr. Jack was still clueless.  He kept saying, "Big Cousin?"  "What, are you her cousin or something?"  Mrs. Lydia was hugging me, and Mr. Jack was making his way over to Jacob still trying to figure out what the heck was going on.  Finally, Mrs. Lydia clued him in and yelled, "SHE'S PREGNANT!!"  After confirming that that was really the case, Mr. Jack couldn't believe it either.  There were tears everywhere-- the new theme of my life-- and we headed out to the game with a new little Pirate fan in tow.

{insert video of us telling them-- it's on Jacob's phone!}

We had planned to wait and tell Jacob's brothers a little later, but as we were sitting there watching the game Mrs. Lydia came up with the idea of inviting everyone over for a celebration dinner.  And how can you say no to that?!  So, we gladly went along with it.  Laura and Parker were unsure if they were going to be able to make it because they had other dinner plans, but fortunately they were able to pop in afterwards which we were very thankful for!  So, we gave Ava Kate her little onesie and I am 100% sure that Aunt Laura was more excited than both me and Jacob put together!!! 

After dinner, we were able to spend some sweet family time together and I got to snuggle that little angel face up above!!  

Highlights of the Day:

• Telling Jacob's parents
• ECU beating Virginia Tech
• Telling Jacob's brothers and our sister-in-law
• Getting to hold and love on Ava Kate
• A very special phone call on the way home which may have made me cry {SURPRISE!}

When Doubt Closes In...

Doubt. It is an ugly, ominous, black cloud that slowly creeps in and has suffocating qualities.  Doubt has planted unwanted, fearful thoughts in my mind that I can't seem to escape. And then I, again, question myself and begin feeling so unworthy.

Why did God choose me to become a mother?

What if I can't do it....fail the child, fail my husband, fail myself?

What if I don't love my child?

All of these questions and thoughts have crowded my mind. They poured in on me and saturated my mind relentlessly.  And so, again this morning, for the fourth Sunday in a row, God worked on my heart. Softening. Molding. Shaping. Loving. Dr. Patterson spoke of healing and while most pregnant women don't consider themselves broken, I know that I'm broken, depraved, and nothing without God. While all of the doubts crowded in on me, God whispered:

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

He reassures. He reconfirms. He teaches. And so like Matthew 11 suggests, I will continue to use this experience to learn from Him. When doubt closes in, I will take that opportunity to rest in Him.

An Anniversary Present Like None Other

Mom and Dad's 34th anniversary was on Saturday, August 30 so Jacob and I had planned to go up to see them on Sunday, August 31.  Little did they know what was in store for them.  We had been busy at work during the week on a DIY that I was replicating from Etsy.  To tell them the news, we created a dark stained wooden sign that read: "The best parents get promoted to grandparents."

After it was complete, I wrapped it up in paper.  Might I mention that I didn't have any normal tape, so masking tape it was!  And I didn't have enough tissue paper of one variety, so I used about 10 different kinds of tissue paper.  Then, I put it in an unwrapped Morgan Meats box and taped it with masking tape.  To say the least, this package looked slightly unloved.

We brought the box in and my Dad immediately said, "What's that for?"  I told him that we had gotten them an anniversary gift and his response was something like, "Take it back. We don't need any gifts." Let's just say I think he quickly changed his mind on that statement!  So, Mom and Dad began opening the present and I tried to discreetly take a video under the guise of taking a picture.  So, I'll let the video do the rest of the talking....

Needless to say, I was an emotional wreck. My stomach was in knots before telling them and I was SO nervous. Jacob kept saying, "Candice, you're not a 16 year old girl who has shacked up and gotten knocked up." But, as the day transitioned on, my nervous and worries began shifting towards joy and excitement. My mom confirmed that my inner most feelings were completely normal and reassured me that they would begin changing and I was going to be a natural.

I must say, that August 31 is a day that tops the charts in my life. My parents are going to be unbelievably amazing grandparents.

All Signs Pointed to "Yes"

So there were an unbelievable number of signs that may have eluded to the fact that I was pregnant. I don't know if I chose to ignore them because I had convinced myself that I wasn't or what.  But, here is a rundown of the craziness that probably does not include everything.

• Well you can always rest assured that if I try to be proactive, it will turn around on me.  Jacob and I decided to sign up for Disability Insurance under the premises that we could wait 4 years to have a baby and STILL come out equal to what we had paid in.  Then, if we decided not to have a child, we would still have come out cheaper than if we did have a child- haha!  You see how that worked out, right?  I literally BARELY made the cut-off for the whole pre-existing condition thing. And thank the Lord- literally, I'm so thankful- that this amazing company doesn't have a 9 month exclusion policy.
• On a similar note- After my latest stint in the hospital we realized that a medical bridge policy would most likely be beneficial because you never know what's going to happen.  And it would have almost covered all of my hospital bills for only $10/mo.  Again, I literally just BARELY (like by 4 days) made it in for the pre-existing condition clause. 
• The first thing that I noticed... sore boobs (Yeah.  You didn't want to hear that.  But, it's true.)
• My friend Rebecca texted me one morning and told me that she had a dream that I was pregnant and that I was wearing a black shirt.  I sent her a text back, laughingly of course, of me wearing a black shirt.  
• After going out to eat Mexican with some of my friends from Comfort, I began feeling yucky. I got pretty nauseous on the car ride back to school and by the time I got in I was feeling dizzy.  So, I ended up in the floor of the office with my feet propped up.  
• Headaches galore.  I had terrible migraines in high school and the start of college but they gradually went away.  My headaches have been under control for the last 4-5 years. Then, all of a sudden, they weren't.  I began having awful, debilitating headaches.
• Hot/cold spells. 
• Having to constantly go to the bathroom.  Looking back on it, I'm not sure how I didn't find it unusual that I had to get up and go to the bathroom not one, but TWO times during Ava Kate's (my niece) baby dedication.
• And finally, the most obvious- a missed period.  

Other than those things, I have not had any crazy symptoms.  Fortunately (knock on wood) I haven't really had any nausea or vomiting besides that one random time.  I have had quite a few dizzy spells, but I really am feeling great.  I think that is God's way of telling me that everything is going to be okay.  My first appointment to confirm everything is September 4.  

The Day We Found Out...

August 23, 2014
12:30pm

My period was 9 days late.  I had been having cramps.  I was sure it was coming anytime.

I had taken 3 pregnancy tests, all of which had come back negative.

I was positive that I wasn't pregnant...just adjusting to the stresses of a new job and the new hormones of the women that I was working with.  Well turns out, I was positive alright.....just not in the way I thought.

I had been talking and texting with one of my most dear friends, Rebecca, about what I needed to do. She was up to speed on everything, including the morning that I discovered that the pregnancy tests I had been using were almost expired (exp. Sept. 2014).  So I took her advice, and waited until the weekend to see if my period would ever come.  And when it didn't, she highly suggested that I go buy a "more reliable test".  {OK-- I admit, I had been using the Dollar GenTral ones.}

On my way home from the Oriental Farmers' Market, I swung by WalMart and picked up a pack of 2 Equate brand tests.  I figured that if I was pregnant, even the Equate brand should be able to pick it up since I was 9 days late. And of course, I double checked the expiration date- Sept. 2016.  I went on home, not thinking a thing in the world. I mean, 3 negative tests that weren't technically expired yet. And, we had not been trying to get pregnant.  After all, we had agreed that children weren't necessarily in our game plan for the future.

So, you can believe my utter shock and dismay when I took the pregnancy test, set a timer, went and ate half a piece of pizza, and came back to see this:

I stood there...staring. Surely this wasn't right.  The new life that I was about to embark on flooded over me at once.  And I broke down.  I mean, ugly cry.  I hadn't planned on this.  I wasn't prepared.  I wasn't good enough.  And so, I called Rebecca and everything came out.  My fears, my insecurities.  And as I walked up and down Spann Road, she just listened and offered advice when I stopped blubbering.  In fact, I'm surprised all of Trenton doesn't know by now.  She also texted me a picture of the "baby bible" which she let me borrow.

After calming down, I got off the phone with Rebecca and knew that I needed to find some way to tell Jacob.  Since he was on his way home from the Jacksonville Farmers' Market, I decided to make a sign that said "Welcome Home, Dad" and attach the pregnancy test to it.  I hung it on the door to the back bedroom thinking he would have to go back there when he got home.  Well, change of plans.  The closer he got, the more I knew that my plan would never work.  I would start crying when I saw him, and the surprise would go out the window.  So, after realizing that I still hadn't gotten my coolers out of the car, I decided to move the sign out to my car window.  I also added a disclaimer to the bottom.

Original Sign

New, Modified Sign

I also took a video, knowing that I would most likely want it one day in the future.

Throughout the day, I continued to process.  I broke out in random bouts of crying (even waking up multiple times during the night).  But, I'm getting ahead of myself.  Trent and Rebecca invited us over for dinner (y'all we are so blessed by their friendship).  Before going to dinner, Jacob and I went to Target (per Rebecca's advice) to get pre-natal vitamins.  And of course, while we were there we saw 3 families that I knew for a total of 10 people, and I looked like a hot mess.  The pharmacist helped me pick out the vitamins until I could get to the doctor for a prescription.  Then, we headed over to the Scott Farm.  Trent and Jacob ate a deer roast with vegetables that Mrs. Anita fixed, while Rebecca and I ate Chick-Fil-A.  And might I say that she even brought me a Caffeine-Free Diet Coke.  The dinner, conversation, and laughter (there is ALWAYS laughter when the 4 of us get together) was much needed.  Right before we left, Claire gave us our first present-- a bear teething ring (Claire Bear!).

The night did not get any easier and all kinds of emotions bowled me over.  Jacob did his best to comfort me and tell me that everything was going to be more than okay.  And I just sat, listened, and continued to process.  I mean, was I really pregnant?