What changed?

Why is this such a hard question to answer?  Well, when my mom asked me "what changed" in regards to a situation the other day, I was quick to develop an answer. Intrinsically, I knew what had changed.  And while there may have been other contributing factors, I still wasn't able to answer the question forthrightly.  Why is it so hard as humans to admit that we were wrong?

Instead, I dodged the question, and passed blame.  Oh, the other person's attitude changed.  Well, it must have been the medication.  And grasping for straws....I guess it was nothing short of a miracle! Don't laugh, I'm pretty sure that went through my head.  Why was it impossible for me to say, "I changed.  My attitude changed.  I have been praying for a revelation, patience, understanding, knowledge."  Well, that would be difficult to say because it would admit to others that I had it all wrong.


I can directly correlate the situational shift with traveling to work last Monday.  I almost got in a head on collision on the way to work.  An older man was on the way to work, his tire blew going 60 mph on a two-lane, and he crossed into my lane loosing control of his truck.  I slammed on breaks, he veered into a ditch to my right, skidded across the ditch, took out a road sign, and flipped onto his side in a ditch off of a side road.  Fortunately, when I turned around to check on him, we were all okay {let the random hugging of strangers commence}. My devotion that morning included the verses from Colossians 1:15-22:

¹⁵ Christ is the visible image of the invisible God.
    He existed before anything was created and is supreme over all creation,^[a]
16 for through him God created everything
    in the heavenly realms and on earth.
He made the things we can see
    and the things we can’t see—
such as thrones, kingdoms, rulers, and authorities in the unseen world.
    Everything was created through him and for him.
¹⁷ He existed before anything else,
    and he holds all creation together.
¹⁸ Christ is also the head of the church,
    which is his body.
He is the beginning,
    supreme over all who rise from the dead.^[b]
    So he is first in everything.
¹⁹ For God in all his fullness
    was pleased to live in Christ,
²⁰ and through him God reconciled
    everything to himself.
He made peace with everything in heaven and on earth
    by means of Christ’s blood on the cross.

²¹ This includes you who were once far away from God. You were his enemies, separated from him by your evil thoughts and actions. ²² Yet now he has reconciled you to himself through the death of Christ in his physical body. As a result, he has brought you into his own presence, and you are holy and blameless as you stand before him without a single fault.

All of these things, Christ did for me. Yet, I still get it wrong.  Maybe it is so hard to admit that we are wrong because Christ, in his very being, was/is perfect.  I strive to be a Christian, a little Christ, yet fall so short.  So, of course, it is much easier to pass blame on to others because that would then make the other person/people wrong, and me right.  Right? Fortunately, Christ has filled those gaps for me and reconciled me to him and I am allowed and expected to be wrong. Admitting, accepting responsibility, repenting, changing..... those are the things that set Christians apart.  So what changed? I can confidently say that it was me.

Praising Him in the Storm: Getting the Call...Not the Letter

On Wednesday, November 12 I went to the doctor for a routine (or so I thought) blood draw.  Now I know, that I had the option to not have this blood work done and several of my close family and friends went that route.  But nonetheless, God had a purpose for me.

The labs were testing for Down Syndrome (Trisomy 21), Edward's Syndrome (Trisomy 18), and Open Spina Bifida.  The appointment only took 5 minutes, and I talked and joked around with the lab techs about not drinking enough water that day so that my weight gain wouldn't be astronomical.  PS- I didn't even get weighed that day- haha!

When we got home all we did was cry and pray.  We called our families and they cried and prayed with us. Because a different doctor had ordered the testing, my midwife had not received the results and couldn't give me any more information than "You screened positive" and "It could be a false positive".  We immediately began reading up on the internet about what all of this meant and what this crazy blood test was that I had unknowingly agreed to!  We found some information that led to questions for my midwife to answer the following morning.

1. What was my risk ratio?
2. What was my maternal age ratio?
3. What are the next steps?

My midwife, Mandy, called me first thing on Tuesday morning and went over everything with us.  We both went to work and got on a conference call when she called me.  My risk ratio was 1:107 and the cutoff was 1:270....so right in the middle.  My maternal age ratio was 1:716.  Mandy told us that we shouldn't be completely worried yet, that she really would be concerned if my ratio was 1:25.  But, of course, the encouragement was lost on me.  I began questioning everything that I done and how my life had developed.  Things that were literally laughable came to mind.

Results I later got from my midwife

I may or may not have gone out to dinner with two very good friends and wondered allowed if my incessant back popping had caused this.  Yes, utterly ridiculous.  But, it shows just how clouded my brain was and how closely I examined everything I had done. 

Our week was spent in constant prayer and I had daily instances (usually multiple times a day) of emotional breakdowns.  Throughout the week we got phone calls, texts, emails, and visits with friends that proved to us the power of the body of Christ and the comfort that He can provide through His people.  

After a sweet phone call from my Pappaw, I began to memorize Psalm 139, with a vow to have the entire Psalm memorized by the time baby Morgan arrives. I also found great comfort in one of the things I turn to most often,  music.  I listened to lyrics closer than ever before and poured out my heart to God.  

God, our desire is for our baby to be free of any chromosomal abnormalities.  We beg this of you.  But, as Jesus said on the cross....Father, if there is any other way, take this cup from me.  Yet, not my will, but yours. 

Hardest. Prayer. Ever. 

Broken Hallelujah, The Afters

Never Once, Matt Redman

Praise you in This Storm, Casting Crowns

You are For Me, Kari Jobe

A Calling on My Life

I was going to resort to putting this post in a Facebook status, but knew that a simple two sentence blurb wouldn't do it justice.  So, I turned to my long-lost, forgotten blog to document the latest happening in my life.

About three weeks ago, I submitted my resume to Jones County Schools for an EC (Exceptional Children) position at the high school. Yes, I said "THE high school".  As in, the only one in the whole county!  A huge change from my urban beginnings in Wake County!  After not hearing anything for a week, I called Central Office to make sure that my application/resume hadn't fallen between the cracks.  As I had suspected, they had accidentally misplaced my resume and the position had been filled.  Of course, I was disappointed.  The secretary proceeded to tell me, though, that an elementary EC position had opened up in the meantime. Still, disappointment crowded in on me because my plan had gone awry.

Thankfully, God's plan always surpasses my own.

I very reluctantly took an interview for Monday, July 14 at 9:00 am.  Fast-forward to Monday and I had made no preparations for my interview.  I woke up early, got dressed, and decided that I, at the very least, needed to do a little research on the school.  So, I turned to my best friend- NC School Report Cards and my new favorite tool- the NC Teaching Conditions Survey (which I discovered has all survey results for every public school in NC posted online). After familiarizing myself with the community and school, I headed out to Comfort Elementary School- Home of the Bears.  With a REAL taxidermied bear in the front hallway. Only in the country, my friends!

I had a great interview, but was still so unsure of everything.  After all, it wasn't my beloved Bridgeton Elementary and it definitely wasn't the high school position that I had my sights set on. Around 4:30 that afternoon, I received a phone call from the assistant superintendent (yes, you read that correctly) offering me the job.   I was literally dumb-struck and asked for a few days to think things over.  Well, needless to say....he wanted an answer by the next day.

I cried.  I prayed.  I cried some more.  I called family and friends for advice.  I prayed.  I cried.

Tuesday morning I came to the decision that the job just wasn't for me.  I mean, if I was that undecided and had shed that many tears why in the world was I even contemplating it.  After all, if it was God's will for my life, it definitely wouldn't be hard.....or uncomfortable. Right?!  So at 10:00, my decision was made. I was going to go personally visit the assistant superintendent and principal to gracefully decline the offer and thank them for the opportunity. "I'm not taking the job.", I told my friends.  "I've made my decision!  I'm not taking the job!", I told my family.  But, I procrastinated. Praise the Lord for His Holy Spirit who works on people like me!

After much encouragement from Jacob, I decided to go back to the school for a tour as I hadn't seen anything except the front office.  I knew that the purpose of the tour was not only to see the building, but more importantly, to gain more [much needed] insight and information from the {newly hired} principal. On my way to the school I prayed. I sang. I offered thanks to God for his provision.  I mean, how many people struggle with the choice between TWO jobs? I prayed that God would make it abundantly clear to me when I stepped foot in the school.

After spending 2.5 hours with my future principal and school secretary, I knew.  Though it didn't make it any easier, I knew that God was calling me to a new chapter in my life.  And so that is why I accepted the offer to teach in Jones County Schools at Comfort Elementary, as the Exceptional Children's teacher.  I am sad to leave 5 years at Bridgeton Elementary.  I am sad to leave my friends. I am sad to leave all of the children that I have grown to love. I am sad.

But, I am full of joy.  I am {finally} starting to get excited and God has provided for me once again! As the old saying goes, "Hindsight is 20/20", and the blessings that I am able to now see are unimaginable.

• Since high school, I have wanted to work in Special Education. Fast forward 11 years....
• 20 minutes to work versus 45 minutes to work.
• Applied for a high school position, but ended up in my "comfort zone" of elementary. And, it just so happened that the elementary EC position opened up after the high school position had been closed.  
• Small community with TONS of support.
• 13 student caseload-- yes, you read that correctly!  I will be the envy of every EC teacher in the state of NC.

And the list goes on....

I struggle still, thinking about leaving my "work home".  The place that took me in, gave me friends, and loved me after moving from Raleigh. The people that supported me through highs and lows. The children who have laughed with me, learned from me, played with my hair, and greeted me with a hug every morning.  I am so blessed to have taught alongside of my friends for 5 years.

So, after 7 years of teaching-- 1 in ESL (English as a Second Language) and 6 in 3rd grade, I am
beginning a new chapter. I will officially be an Exceptional Children's teacher for students Pre-K through 6th grade!  I can't wait to soak it all in, to make a new set of friends, to get further involved in the community that I live in, and to immerse myself in God's plan for my life.  I am thankful that he works with and in hardheaded people like me, showing patience, and not letting me go too far astray.

My Dad sent me an article from Relevant Magazine, where Chandler Vannoy stated,"If God has given us a new heart that desires what He desires, our decisions are going to line up with His plan.......We are often so intent on looking for some hidden plan God has laid out for us that we forget to consult the passions and desires He's given us."  So, I am now pursuing my passion and, in turn, following the calling that God placed on my life so many years ago. I have faith and trust that God is not finished with me yet!

Some fun facts about Comfort Elementary:

1. It is a Pre-K to 6th grade school.
2. There are 140 students in the entire school.
3. There is only 1 class per grade level except for 2nd grade where there are 2.
4. The building is absolutely precious and I'm sure the people will be too!
5. It is surrounded by farmland on all sides (currently planted in corn).  Need I say more?!

A First-World Problem

Jacob and I recently went on a vacation to Hilton Head Island, SC for our 3 year anniversary.  And, we had an incredible time.  But, on our last day (the day we were going home)...Jacob discovered that we had a big problem on our hands.  He said, "Candice, where is your iPod?"  And so I started digging through all of our stuff desperately wanting to find it even though I knew that I hadn't packed it up.
   
We backtracked our previous night and had it down to these facts:

• I had it at Sweet Frog the night before.
• I had it when we got back to the hotel.
• I tried taking a picture of Jacob with the bikes but it was too dark.
• We went by the hotel front desk to get more shampoo and conditioner.
• We went up to our room.

I am 99.9% sure that I left my iPod at the front desk while we were waiting on our haircare supplies!  So I felt confident that the front desk had safely stashed my iPod for when I came to retrieve it.  Well, that was wishful thinking.  I'm not exactly sure what happened to it or where it went, but it was gone.... along with most of my pictures/videos from our favorite trip (well, not including our honeymoon)!  

I. was. crushed.  At any given moment during our 7 hour trip home, I would begin quietly crying again praying that the iPod would turn up.  Even though, deep down, I knew it was gone.  It was not until I made the comment, "This day couldn't get any worse" that my sweet, patient husband kindly corrected me.  "Candice, there are so many other things that could make this day worse".  And I knew he was right.  So, my attitude began to change and God began to work on my heart.  Jacob dozed off shortly thereafter, so I drove in silence and began counting all the many blessings that God has given us.  I finally came to the conclusion that an iPod really is nothing in the grand scheme of life.  Of course, I was sad but instead I started problem solving.  

1. Call the hotel every day for a week to see if anything has been turned in.  
2. Ask the hotel to check their security cameras to see if they could see anything.
3. Begin documenting our trip in writing to remember every little detail.
4. Check my "nice camera" to see how many pictures we ended up with.
5. Look at the emails I sent to our parents and see what pictures I could get from those.

And ultimately, I learned a lot from this $200 loss.  From now on, I am going to have my pictures printed out.  I am going to start making photo books of all of our trips as well as one for each year.  Otherwise, I fear that my computer will crash and I will lose more pictures than just 5 days worth.  But even deeper than that, I learned that what I experience here in the United States....most of my "problems"....are First World Problems.  People in third-world countries would never have to worry about losing an iPod on a beach vacation to Hilton Head Island.  Why?  Because they would have never had those lavish things to begin with.  Their worries?  The AIDS pandemic, not having clean water/food, not having enough money to make ends meat, their children getting taken away during the night, being orphaned at age 10 and having siblings that you are now responsible for, and the list goes on.  And that, my friends, makes the loss of an iPod irrelevant.

Random statistic for you-  Did you know that if you have a household income of $49,000 you are in the top 1% of the richest people on planet Earth?  And, if you want to hear an incredible message about first-world problems, I suggest you listening to this sermon series called "Rich People Syndrome"!  It is from Hope Community Church (my home church) and has 4 messages that are a part of the series: When Enough is not Enough, Making Room for What Matters, How do we Ease the Squeeze, and Your Life Well Spent.

http://www.gethope.net/rich-people-syndrome

So, after all that, I will be blogging about our fantastic vacation.  Most of it will be written, but we do have *some* pictures.  And for the things that I want to remember that we don't have pictures of?  Well, I'll just have to get creative!